Learning to be Alone
There are many times while I’m going about my day that I find my mind wandering to thoughts of my future. This, unfortunately, causes me to not be present, and in turn I end up doing stupid things like getting in car accidents (ok, just one) that are entirely my fault. The worst thing it does, however, is make me miss the things that are going on around me. As lucky as I am to have met the people I’ve met and to be given the opportunities I’ve been given since I moved to LA, I can’t in total confidence say I’ve been happy.
I have a job most people would kill for. Sure, I work a lot, but when working is going grocery shopping and hanging out at a bar listening to live music every Thursday night, I can’t complain. I’m constantly meeting new people and am surrounded by crowds every day, and yet I don’t think I’ve ever felt so lonely. Everyone seems to be consumed by the need to get ahead, and it’s all about the number of connections you make rather than how deep those connections are. Sarcastically, I say to myself, “Welcome to LA!” and turn my thoughts to anything that isn’t real. I think about lying on a beach on some tropical island. I think about leaving everything behind to do something rewarding with my life like joining the Peace Corps. I think about the man I love, my daughter, and my own beautiful house…all of which don’t exist. But when something real snaps me back to reality, I’m left feeling even more empty and lonely than I did before.
I’ve realized from numerous conversations with many different people that this is a common feeling to have at my age. After graduating from college, you’re left with a “What’s next?” kind of feeling and start doing things aimlessly just trying to see where you might happen to end up. I avoided the typical college experience in an effort to avoid this very feeling, but somehow, I ended up here anyway. Despite the fact that I didn’t live on a college campus for four years and spend my days partying with my sorority sisters, I still have been living a life that is far from the typical day-to-day of adulthood. Because I’ve either been living with a boyfriend or going on tour and traveling all over the continental United States meeting so many wonderful people, I hardly ever have gotten the chance to be alone for even an few hours of “me” time. Though most people would find this incredibly suffocating, I have LOVED every minute of it.
But now, even though I have roommates, I share a room with no one. At night we keep to ourselves, and I end up watching TV, playing video games or surfing the Internet alone (aside from the company of my wonderful dog, Peppermint!). During the day, I make a bunch of those previously mentioned meaningless connections, and on occasion I’ll get to hang out with one of the only two real friends I even have in LA. (Thank you, Heather!) Sure, I could try my damndest to find a boyfriend or make a new girl friend who I do everything with (and trust me, when I first moved here, I tried both of those things only to get my feelings hurt by the boy and to be blown off by the girl)…but maybe, just maybe, I should try to learn how to be alone.
The best things in life come when you least expect them too, anyway, so why keep searching so hard? If I can learn to be content with what I have right now and live life day to day instead of always wondering what the future will bring, maybe I can learn to be my own best friend and love myself more than any man ever could. To be honest, I don’t really know myself that well as it is, so this can be my opportunity to learn who I really am. I will always be open to love and making new friends, but this is my public declaration to stop trying so hard and just let it be. Who knows…maybe I’ll post this tonight and meet one of my future bridesmaids (or the groom!) tomorrow, but if not, I refuse to let it get me down. I still have a lot to figure out without relying on other people to make me happy.
So my advice to other people in their 20s feeling lost and lonely? Don’t worry…lasting relationships will find you, but in the meantime, stop all the daydreaming and live life as it comes, or the next thing you know, you’ll be waking up middle-aged wondering “Where did my youth go, and why did I spend so much of it waiting to be happy instead of just choosing to be so?”
Well, my friends, guess what?
I choose happiness.
